| HAIL ERIS, Goddess of Chaos. ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!! |
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Pope Victorious the Trans-agile in Opaque
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[25 Jun 2005|08:10am] |
I don't blame him for not wanting to spend time with me...I'm such a bitch. I treat him like shit, and no...I do not have a good excuse.
Start over.
Goodbye.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) neuroticnervosa <--add me
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| this was my blog on myspace a couple days ago |
[14 Jun 2005|09:27am] |
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Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Realizations
White spots in the back of my throat, no energy, 104 temperature...yes, that's right, I HAVE MONO! So in my feverish state I have had many epiphanys. One of which is that it is completely pointless to prescribe huge horse pills to a person who can't even fit solid food down their throat.
Second, I have had the same dream for the past 2 weeks. I am going to rip my hair out. This re-accuring dream is about someone who did something that really hurt my feelings a while ago, and embarassed me beyond any concept of embarassment. He made me want to shrivle up and die. Typing this out and looking back at it, I'm kind of laughing becuase it sounds as though I have every right to be obsessing over this, but I really don't. The next day I went and got my helix pierced, which was my 'self-therapy' (god I sound massacistic)... But now the dreams are back and the piercing is infected...Could this be a sign that I have unfinished business? Err...but what? Do I go up to this person and face them? err...no, I think that I am content exactly how I am. I have my band, and I have Carlos...everything I could ask for right?
Well...that brings me to my next shit to pick at. Carlos. Everything is perfect...I never wanted a dependant relationship. Him and I don't talk on the phone, we don't write each other notes, we don't do any of that lame, corny bullshit, we don't talk about our feelings...we just...are. We're like partners in crime. We joke around and hug and kiss, and that's it.
I guess he's more like a friend...or brother (eww).
but seriously...
There is more with Carlos that has really been bothering me, but if I start going into it and getting all emo then I will throw up all over myself. If I wasn't so sick and in the world that only 104 temp fevers can take you to, then I wouldn't even be addressing this.
I am a mess. I need to get out of this house. I need to eat something other than pudding and jello. I'm going to drive myself crazy. I'm hot and cold and about at the point of hallucination....I need to add some chaos, everything has just been the same. Watching TV, fucking around on the computer, playing guitar and eating jello. GOD DAMNIT SOMEONE COME BREAK ME OUT OF HERE!! I need to do something to add some spice to this boring militant life.
AHHH! lilt is recording next week and my voice is shit, although I'm sure it'll be better by next week...right?
Okay, I need to stand up to J...err, that person who broke me. that will answer the question of needing chaos and making these god damn dreams stop. I hate him so much. I really do. I can no longer co-exist with him. the worst part of all is that he doesn't even acknowlege that I'm alive. He is consuming my mind, and...he really shoudn't be. god I hate him...This is silly. I'm just really sick and not thinking straight. What would I say to him 'Hey, you made me cry you ass hole.' 'Hey, everytime I see you I want to vomit on your shoes' 'Hey, what the fuck did I do wrong?' 'why were you so mean to me?' GOD DAMNIT I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY 'HEY I'M A PATHETIC LOSER, HOW ABOUT YOU POINT AND LAUGH AT ME'
okay...i'm done.
I'll forget about this when my fever breaks.
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| oh no... |
[09 Jun 2005|03:09pm] |
June 9 2005
Scorpio-
Listen to your dreams -- there's more wisdom in there than you know. A solution to an old problem might be lying in your subconscious.
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| I have mono :( |
[07 Jun 2005|01:56pm] |
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A little while ago, Carlos, Christina and I went to the Prom for misfits and malcontents at Art House. Afterwards we went to a graveyard...here are the pictures from that night:
( The Prom for Misfits and Malcontents )
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[04 Jun 2005|12:16pm] |
^^what the fuck??
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[21 May 2005|10:19pm] |
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God, I non-stop feel like I'm going to vomit...
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| show last night |
[16 May 2005|08:27pm] |
My band played a show last night in a garage. It was pretty rad, here are some of the pictures from the digital camera (I have more on a disposable camera, which should be developed by Thursday...hopefully).
( LILT )
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[05 May 2005|09:45am] |
Carlos decided to put on all of my belts, so I took pictures... :)
A lot of them are blurry, but...meh.
( Carlos <3 )
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[17 Apr 2005|01:09am] |
First half of these are at the Collision Theory band practice, the second half is at Lilt's first show (my other band, except for I wasn't recruted until after this show) :D
( Pictures of band practice/the show )
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| It's official... |
[13 Apr 2005|10:57pm] |
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the Unseen- so this is freedom? |
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...I lost my mind. Being locked up in this house for the last week has made me completely lose my mind. Aside from the trips to the doctor and band practices, I have not left my enclosed little room all break, which has left me to my thoughts (dangerous...) I've been thinking far too hard about the issue with Carlos, which shouldn't be an issue...which WOULDN'T be an issue, if I could just stop over analyzing and fucking thinking so hard. There is more than just Carlos on my mind. There are many random theories that I've been going over in my head, but they all lead in circles and drive me crazy. I can't solve any of the world's problems if they are all circles...although the world is a circle, so maybe I can make due...
"Let's make a love story." "okay" "I don't mean write one...I mean live one.." "okay, we'll make our own love story"
Where is my god damn love story?! If my love story turns into a cliche drama where the guy dies in the end I'm gonna kick someone's ass! (*bad omens + scorpio + pre-determined destiny in dream form + ...*spontanious combustion**)
In flames,
tori
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[13 Mar 2005|09:30pm] |
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Tool-Reflection |
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Scary2687: ahhh the base ball bat natures little cure for all problems great and small
Cary---a man of few words, but when he does speak, it is worthwhile.
.........
Scary2687: word
Scary2687: 12 fucking hrs
Scary2687: my ass is sad
I rest my case.
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[07 Mar 2005|09:40pm] |
There was a massacre.
I died.
Ashley is alive (by means that all her bodily organs are functioning...for now), although she is slowing killing herslf with excessive cocaine use.
Nate is in a comma. He can walk around, but only to stare at walls, and disregard contact with any human beings.
Back to me...I (although dead), am worried about Ashley. I can't stop thinking about her and knowing that she's going to die. She already weighs 90 pounds, and this habit of not eating for weeks at a time is going to kill her. When she dies, I will have no one except for...well, I stand corrected, I will simply have no one.
There is nothing I can say to her, because she is a true anarchist, and any advice I give her will seem to her as though I'm telling her what to do, and she will rebel. But if I say 'hey bitch, go do cocaine' (reverse-phsycology), she will probably just go do cocaine...
But I'm dead, so what do I care?
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[26 Feb 2005|12:34am] |
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dead kennedys-chickenshit conformist |
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Drey called me today on my way to pick up Christina and Carlos for the show. We talked for a while, and it was weird.
Then after I had a horrible expierience with Casey (the boy I give pictures to every day in Arts and Culture), I met up with Josh (drunk Josh), who was...drunk. And I ended up driving around with him telling me how much he missed me, and how sorry he was that we had gone our seperate ways (keep in mind that us "going our seperate ways" means that he chose Caitlin over me...). So now that him and Caitlin arn't together, he now feels that he needs to come back to me.
His exact words were 'i just...feel like I need to get there before anyone else does..'
Ummm...
This entire time, I am starring at the X's written on my hands and pondering a conversation that Ashley and I had earlier...
When Josh was done drunking rambling, I tried to lay it out for him...
It went a little like this:
'Josh, I am straight edge. I did not become straight edge to hang out with drunk people listening to their cries for help. You and I were good friends before, and we will always have that special connection, but I've moved on from dependency. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking for my other half, I want to find a whole. I don't want to be one, I want to be two. I don't fucking need a half a person who is looking for a reason to quit drinking, if you're going to quit drinking, I want it to be for YOU' (preaching out my ass).
Josh replied to this with: 'what if I want you to be my reason' (i think he was attempting romance, but it came out slurred together and sounded completely pathetic).
(*note: notice that he only started calling me again after him and Caitlin broke up*)
So I told him that I didnt want to have this talk when he was drunk. I told him to sober up and call me tomorrow. I know now that I don't have to settle, cuz I don't have to fill that empty void with bullshit, I can fill my void by drawing, being in my band, and worshiping eris. I don't even want to be with anyone right now.
Drey- in jail for cocaine/grand theft auto...not a good choice.
Casey- complete ASS HOLE (i dont even want to explain right now, perhaps later..). HUGE letdown...
Josh-drunken waste of life who is sleeping in the bushes at Safeway right now.
I give up. No, I just don't care. I don't want to settle. I don't even want to look. If someone wants to find me, then let them find me. I'll be waiting right here drawing pictures and writing songs in my blue notebook. That's all I need to be complete.
Err...this is probably rambling and boring...I just needed to sort things out.
...god, I'm so nocturnal...
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| Appology. |
[25 Feb 2005|11:42am] |
My last post caused some controversy in some communities that I posted it in, so I feel that I owe you all an explanation:
I am straight edge. HarDcore. My best friend (and fellow Discordian) is a druggy. The reason we get along is because of our love of chaos, and if both of us were druggys, or straight edge, it would just be a straight line, and we don't do straight lines (no pun intended...). What I'm basically trying to say, is that I do not do heroin, and I'm surprised that any of you could possibly take that picture seriously, because it's a toy suringe (from a pretend doctors kit). I also appologize for offending any of you, heroin is not something to joke about. :\
All of my post was true (minus the shooting up heroin part).
...(this is another perfect example of how I forget that my world doesn't intermix with the other one). Err...just never take me seriously.
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